Despite my delusions of wanting a relationship, I don’t think I am cut out for them. My track record, excepting the years with J, is a history of running as soon as things got rough, as soon as ideas were getting serious.
I’ve done it again.
He told me he loved me. He asked me, “What means more to you, your personal life or your career?”
“That’s it for us then.”
Things with the most recent gentleman have fizzled due to my inability to invest much in a relationship besides monogamy. Perhaps it is an abhorrently selfish trait of mine, stubbornness along with a complete inability to be anything but unapologetically myself - I won’t bend, mold, or compromise. I can’t commit to anything long term if it takes away from what I have been working toward my entire life.
I think I have become one that prefers short affairs that end in perfectly content moments before each party returns to their lives. There’s a grace to this kind of relationship, and for me, I believe it to be healthier.
Maybe I’m wrong, ignorant, or naive.
This weekend I met a friend who was in New York for only a few days, and in that time, we spent nearly thirty-six hours joined at the hip. When it came time for him to board his flight, he kissed me good bye, and let me go. He returns to New York in a few months, perhaps I’ll see him again, but perhaps I won’t. Whether or not I see him again doesn’t really matter because we had an amazing weekend. A life should be filled with glimpses of treasures more often, and these precious experiences need to be left where they were hidden. There’s no need to unearth them, drag them out, soil, and ruin them. I’d rather keep them neat, clean, and tucked away.
When your love is safe, I’ll be giving it all away.
“It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don’t see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don’t see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. There’s no mirror in your way when you’re laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself.”—
“The fact is that firearm technology exists. It cannot be uninvented. As long as there is metalworking and welding capability, it matters not what gun laws are imposed upon law-abiding people. Those that wish to have guns, and disregard the law, will have guns. Gun control makes violence safer and more effective for the aggressive, whether the aggressor is a terrorist or a government.”—Ron Paul (via tall)
“Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.”—
“I loathe when people think that I’m shy rather than introverted. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being shy, I’m just not, and they are two separate things. People cajoling me into social situations try to assure me that I “don’t have to talk to everyone” or that “everyone will love me.” Bitch, of course they will like me. I am delightful. I just find prolonged social interactions to be extremely exhausting.”—Comment by popculturemulcher in the article I’m Not a Miserable Bitch, I’m Just an Introvert (via loveyourchaos)
“At the risk of sounding like those people who go on about how the Nazis had nice uniforms, it’s worth remembering that bad things often have good aspects to them: burglars show bravery, smoking looks cool, Jeffrey Archer was quite good at athletics, the theme tune to Casualty is catchy. The good aspects don’t stop the things being bad. It’s vital to our understanding of a complex world, and to our intellectual dexterity, to be able to hold two different concepts in our heads at once without assuming that they’re mutually exclusive.”—Where should we place burglars on the bravery-cowardice spectrum? by David Mitchell (via criminalwisdom)